Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert

  • (RSS)
  • (RSS)
online discount medstore
advair diskus for sale
buy advair diskus without prescription
allegra for sale
buy allegra without prescription
aristocort for sale
buy aristocort without prescription
astelin for sale
buy astelin without prescription
atarax for sale
buy atarax without prescription
benadryl for sale
buy benadryl without prescription
buy clarinex without prescription
clarinex for sale
buy claritin without prescription
claritin for sale
buy flonase without prescription
flonase for sale
buy ventolin without prescription
ventolin for sale
amoxil for sale
buy amoxil without prescription
augmentin for sale
buy augmentin without prescription
bactrim for sale
buy bactrim without prescription
biaxin for sale
buy biaxin without prescription
buy cipro without prescription
cipro for sale
buy cleocin without prescription
cleocin for sale
buy dexone without prescription
dexone for sale
buy flagyl without prescription
flagyl for sale
buy levaquin without prescription
levaquin for sale
buy omnicef without prescription
omnicef for sale
amaryl for sale
buy amaryl without prescription
buy cozaar without prescription
cozaar for sale
buy diabecon without prescription
diabecon for sale
buy glucophage without prescription
glucophage for sale
buy glucotrol without prescription
glucotrol for sale
buy glucovance without prescription
glucovance for sale
buy micronase without prescription
micronase for sale
buy prandin without prescription
prandin for sale
buy precose without prescription
precose for sale
buy cialis professional without prescription
cialis professional for sale
buy cialis soft without prescription
cialis soft for sale
buy cialis super active without prescription
cialis super active for sale
buy cialis without prescription
cialis for sale
buy levitra without prescription
levitra for sale
buy viagra professional without prescription
viagra professional for sale
buy viagra soft without prescription
viagra soft for sale
buy viagra super active without prescription
viagra super active for sale
buy viagra super force without prescription
viagra super force for sale
buy viagra without prescription
viagra for sale
buy celebrex without prescription
celebrex for sale
buy colcrys without prescription
colcrys for sale
buy feldene without prescription
feldene for sale
buy imitrex without prescription
imitrex for sale
buy inderal without prescription
inderal for sale
buy indocin without prescription
indocin for sale
buy naprosyn without prescription
naprosyn for sale
buy pletal without prescription
pletal for sale
buy robaxin without prescription
robaxin for sale
buy voltaren without prescription
voltaren for sale


  • Filed under: Sex
Nov 20,2008

It is a detached brand of frantic that I’m channelling as I watch the eggs poach. I fiddle with the gas, poke at one with a slotted spoon and furrow my brow. Ariel’s sister comes in the kitchen and hands me a champagne cocktail and I distractedly thank her. I begin to lift the eggs out of the poaching liquid and glance at the hollondaise that is sitting nearby in a warm water bath.

I do a double take. My creamy, rich emulsion is distinctly separated. The butter floating on top and the rest settling in blotchy mess at the bottom of the bowl. My heart doesn’t really sink until my frantic whisking has no effect.

“The hollondaise broke.”

A few ears perk up. Jay has no idea what it could possibly mean for a sauce to break. Michael has some but no idea how to fix it. Frazzled, I decide to start another sauce and curse myself for breazily agreeing to attempt Eggs Benedict.

With some assistance in clarifying the butter, the second sauce comes together quickly. And just as soon as it is luscious and gorgeous, it, too is a mess. I get clever and decide to add some cream to bring it back together. Then I get desperate and decide to add a corn-starch slurry. Nothing works.

Tears are stinging my eyes and I feel my face flushed. I wonder if I’ve ever had a moment before when I was this embarassed. I dejectedly announce that there will be no hollondaise unless someone else makes it. I can’t breath very well and I feel tiny and incompetent and I wander to the back of the house where Michael is in the bedroom.

He sees the utterly stricken look on my face and tells me to lay down on the bed.

“I broke the sauce again and I tried to fix it. I failed.”

I know how dramatic I am making this seem but this feels like a real tragedy to me. I wanted to desperately to please everyone and have everything be perfect. I wanted to make them all love me. But, instead of generating this perfect emulsion, a culinary feat, I’ve destroyed an entire pound of butter and have a runny mess to show for it.

Michael is running his hands through my hair while I babble about my failure. He places a palm on my chest, covering my heart. This is a move that Barbara Carellas taught me and that I taught him and it doesn’t matter where it comes from, it makes my entire body relax. I breath deeply and listen to him speak.

“You know that Ariel’s sister doesn’t care if there is no hollondaise. And she already adores you. I know this because you make Ariel so happy and that is all she wants to see. Someone that makes her sister happy.”

I listen to his words, ones I already knew to be true but that bear repeating. The warmth from his hand is radiating through me now and I feel calm again. He kisses me on the forehead and asks if I’m ready to face the world again.

I am.

Cyberglass Felicity from VibeReview

Nov 13,2008

Cyberglass Felicity from VibeReview

Cool, smooth, and unyielding. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a slut for glass toys. I wasn’t always that way, I used to think they would be too hard or pokey or something would go wrong. But, the Felicity is my second glass toy and I’m officially a convert to all things super-hard.

The first thing to know about the Felicity is that it is beautiful. Just look at it! Beautiful clear glass augmented with pretty translucent blue. Those blue swirls and dots provide great texture that stimulates fantastically and makes you feel fabulous. Another great thing to note is that the toy can be used from either end, making it versatile and exciting. The nubby end made me feel full and rubbed against my g-spot in a satisfying way. The crooked end scratched just the right itch in just the right manner.

This is a toy that, when combined with a clitoral vibrator, has brought me to many happy and fulfilling climaxes driven by deep g-spot stimulation. Being glass, it is non-porous and can be fully sterilized so feel free to clean it up and share it with a friend or loved one. You’ll find that the Felicity becomes a trusted addition to your toybox.

Music is My Boyfriend

Nov 12,2008

Most people that read this blog know that I have an intense relationship with music. My podcast started out being about sex and music and the level to which I sexualize music is pretty clear if you listen to episodes of it. But, I’ve never really written about the stumbling blocks I’ve had with music through the years.

When I met C in 2002 he was my destined to be my first for a lot of things. One of the fundamental pieces of our early romance was music. It was a love affair conducted via file transfer and mixtape. His excitement for me was carried with outpourings of new sounds and arrangements I’d never imagined before. I learned to use music to love and to share music as an act of devotion.

When C and I broke up, this left me in a peculiar place. Plenty of couples have a few songs that they consider “theirs” and of course those songs can, in turn, bring back either wistfulness or painful memories. The problem with my relationship with C is that music was such a big part of it (he a record label owner and club DJ and me being a radio DJ) that it wasn’t particular songs that reminded me of him or even particular artists, it was music itself.

Melody and lyric had been the language that we loved each other in and thus they were too painful to hear when I lost him. This might sound dramatic and silly but it was a reality for me. I was ruined on music for awhile. When Jay and I fell deeper in love I wanted to share it with him but painstakingly picking through my music collection was still too raw. Instead I brought an external hard-drive to his house and dumped a few gig of my library onto his computer and let him sort it out for himself. It was heartless and impersonal.

Finally, years out from my breakup with C, I am falling in love again. This time it isn’t bittersweet because Jay and I cling together, steadfast in our dedication to each other and our life together. He is my cheerleader in my new, fragile loves with Michael and Ariel. And I am, in turn, his. The greatest revelation has been that music has come back to me.

Driving home from visits to see Michael and Ariel, Jay and I found ourselves singing silly love songs at full volume. As I opened my heart to many loves, it opened to old and new melodies to express them in. Every song was about me and I’ve never been so grateful for being a trite cliche.

So, here is a mix CD that they got in the mail from me yesterday (a few tracks are missing because they weren’t on Grooveshark). It is a lot of silly love songs, inside jokes, swelling melodies, and love.

Nov 12,2008

Fun Factory Paul and Paulina from VibeReview

I have had a difficult relationship in my life with rabbit-style vibrators. The first one I owned had perfect girth but the ears were a bit too firm and pokey and the pearls inside were awkward almost to the point of painful. The next I tried was the Lovely Rose which I very much enjoyed but it still wasn’t quite perfect. This time I fretted because the “ear” portion tended to slide around and not rest in the perfect spot.

So, when it came time to try Paul and Paulina I had a whole lot of hopes and expectations tied up in this toy. It is made my Fun Factory so I expected a lot and I found that Paul and Paulina really delivered. It is made of 100% silicone which is a rarity for these types of dual-stimulation vibrators and something that I really appreciated.

I found that Paul and Paulina seemed to deliver on what I was looking for in a lot of crucial ways. It is girthy, the speeds are quite variable, and the clit stimulation is significant and strong. I enjoyed this toy greatly. Unfortunately, I was still left feeling that I might find something more in a dual stimulation toy. The Paul and Paulina isn’t my savior but it has moved up to being leader of the pack.


Nov 11,2008

The breath catches in my throat as I feel the fullness slide into me.  I feel the sudden urge to survey the scene from outside of my own body and look at Jay and Michael who are surrounding us. Then I look directly up at Ariel and see her eyes shut and lips parted. My hand goes straight to her long hair and pulls her towards me for a kiss. With this movement the toy slips deeper into me and I gasp against her lips and shudder.

“This feels amazing, darling.”

Her only response is an angelic smile and I suddenly feel grateful. Profoundly so.

I can’t say that her movements were like thrusts. We rocked together. Happy, content, clinging.

Jay’s hand is stroking my hair and forehead and Michael is behind Ariel caressing her curves and then. . . something more. As her reactions increase in intensity, I’m overcome with curiousity. I look up at Michael, trying to catch his glance but I find myself rocked by an intense thrust and lose track of my objective.

“What is he doing to you, sweet girl?”

Her lips are clamped shut and she is concentrating. When my voice breaks her reverrie she can only look at me with a look of concern and mild alarm. I wait patiently for a response but she just nods.

“Oh sweetie, please tell me what he is doing?”

My objective has just changed. I know I can ask one of the men for this piece of information but my new desire it to hear something filthy come from Ariel’s pretty lips.

Between gasps as the dildo slides into me, I keep enough composure to tease her mercilessly. Taunting her to speak.

“Is he playing with your pussy? Is he fucking you?”

By now the boys have figured out what I was up to and Michael helpfully suggests that she is speechless. I had noticed.

But, as the enormity of this moment sets in on me and as I felt my impending climax, I am suddenly happy for the silence. I cling to her harder, holding onto something about the particular, precious sliver of time and know that, despite her lack of words, she is speaking to me with grace, precision, and deep affection.

Fukuoku 9000 from Babeland

Nov 10,2008

Fukuoku 9000 from Babeland

The Fukuoku 9000 is one of the Babeland All-Stars and a very popular personal massager with a cult following. It works quite simply and is designed to slip over your fingertip. The vibe includes 3 interchangeable sleeves with different textures.

As far as straight-up performance, the Fukuoku worked quite well. It has a surprising amount of oomph for such a small toy and while I was worried that the vibrations on my finger would be really intense, they weren’t unbearable at all.

Did I have any problems with the Fukuoku? None at all, it did the job and well. Still, I wasn’t overwhelmed by it. It is a really simple toy that is compact and meets the claims it makes. Slipping it onto my finger was a nice feature but not really something that I’ve worried about in the past. Despite quite adequate performance, I’m not sure that I see this toy re-appearing often in my play. If you are new to vibrators and want something simple for clit stimulation, though, this may be the toy for you.


  • Filed under: BDSM
Nov 10,2008

The warm water is pounding down on us as we stand facing each other. His hair isn’t quite yet wet and I can see the droplets of water accumulating slowly and persistently as he looks back at me. His hands are on my arms and his voice is insistent and forceful but entirely controlled. He lifts a hand to his own shoulder and tilts his neck welcoming me to his vulnerability.

“Bite me right here.”

The spot he has selected rests where there is strong muscle just beyond the clavicle. I look at it and then back at his eyes. He sees the fear I’m holding.

He isn’t a bottom on this transaction, he must remain in charge or else I feel that I’ll be lost and without needing to speak a word of that anxiety, he reassures me.

“I’ll tell you exactly how hard and when I’m done I’ll tap you on the back and tell you.”

I lick my lips in hunger and steal a kiss brushing past his lips as I slide my lips near the location he has designated for my teeth. The water is soothing but I don’t melt until I am nestled into his arms circling around me and holding me to him. One hand is firmly on my back, ready to signal to me when he is done with my bite. I wrap my arms around him as well, clinging to him and feeling weak and small, knowing the safety of this perfect place between neck and shoulder where I have been invited to rest.

I swallow and breath and open my lips. I bare my teeth to this soft place and bite. He relaxes into me and growls, “More.”

I give it.

The LELO Gigi from VibeReview

Nov 8,2008

The LELO GiGi from VibeReview

LELO is one of the few, cherished high-end sex toy manufacturers that lovers of excellent toys ooh and ahh over. I was sold on LELO when I tried out the Nea and was excited to try the Gigi, their insertable g-spot vibrator.

Right off the bat, I’ll admit that LELO toys come with a steep pricetag. But, what do you get for that price? A product that is more than worth it, I’d say. The Gigi is rechargeable and runs for several hours on a single charge. It has multiple speeds and functions from a soft flutter to a pulsating wave. The sensations available surpass those of an ordinary vibrator. Additionally, the Gigi is made of fantastic, body-friendly materials like silicone.

I found the controls on the Gigi to be ergonomically placed and easy to use even in the heat of the moment. The shape of the toy really hits the spot for me. I’ve tried some more intense g-spot vibes and they have their place in my life, but the Gigi is great for a slow, langorous buildup to an intense release.

I also found that the shape and the handle make the Gigi great little wand for applying clit stimulation to a partner. I recently found myself in the delicious position of pressing the Gigi against Ariel’s clit while Jay was inside her and she rode him on top. The handle is good about supressing some of the vibrations so you can focus on the nice feelings the head is providing instead of considering if your hand is about to go numb.

The Gigi is an impeccably designed creation that I am thrilled to have in my toybox. It is one of the ones that I grab without hesitation when packing a weekend bag. I delight in seeing the eyes of a new partner light up when I show them this lovely and functional toy.

About Ellie

Ellie Lumpesse writes about sex, BDSM, relationships, non-monogamy, feminism, and rhetoric. In addition to blogging, she produces the Bedroom Radio sex podcast, is a phone slut for hire, and reviews sex toys.

This is the last time you will see her talk about herself in the third person.

Photographic Evidence

Posts with pictures
Flickr Photostream

This is a Flickr badge showing public photos and videos from lumpesse. Make your own badge here.